How do I teach patience? 5 year old boy (strong-willed, stubborn but compassionate and joyful) is very impatient. Needs attention NOW, or needs met NOW… otherwise he just gets louder, closer and more physical (pulling on me, laying on the ground etc… not violent). Reminding him about manners, waiting turn etc doesn’t seem to phase him. Help!

Lindsey, in OH

Have you seen the movie Evan Almighty? Morgan Freeman has this great line. He’s talking to a main character who is frustrated because she prayed for patience but isn’t feeling it. His answer: “If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?”

I have thought of this countless times as I strive to be a more patient person. Taking the religious aspect out, it’s a great point – if we want our kids to learn patience we have to give them opportunities to practice it.

If one of our kids struggles in math, we don’t try to avoid math problems and do the math for them.  We give them basic math problems to work on. We try to build their skills and build their confidence in their skills!

Here’s how we can apply that to patience and a 5 year old:

1. Define the skill. Does your son know the word patience? And does he know that you value that, and want him to get better at exercising it?
2. Explain what it looks like. Patience is not only waiting, but waiting respectfully. When characters he likes in books or TV show patience, point it out! When you or a teacher or babysitter is being patient with him, say so. (Note: don’t point it out in his friends or siblings because that may breed resentment or hurt).
3. Give him tools. Many of us are patient by distracting ourselves while we wait. Encourage him to think of things he can do while he waits. Help him understand how to interrupt or make his needs known respectfully.
4. Build his confidence. Delay his gratification so he can practice patience, but only by a tiny bit at first. Show him some successes in this area. Point out your own impatience and discuss what you’re doing to improve (I have to do this, regularly!).
5. Give consequences for disrespectful impatience.   Explain that being disrespectful will earn a timeout or other consequence before he gets what he wanted.
6. Praise his process! Notice when he shows patience, even for a short time, and mention it out loud when you know he has tried to be patient.

He can learn this skill! He won’t be patient all the time, but kids are really practical. If being patient earns him praise and being impatient works against his desires, he’ll get it. Now for the hard part… you have to be patient while he learns!

Please let me know how it goes if you try it!

Are bad guys always me?

3 1/2 year old, on Whyzz.com

Please jump on over to Whyzz and see how to talk to kids about bad “guys”!

Any advice for kids (11, 9, and 6) who are constantly criticizing, correcting, and nagging each other? I think they are doing it because they want to be right, not because they are trying to be mean. They spend all day pecking at one another and it’s driving me crazy. Thank you!

Ann, in NY

This can easily make us parents nuts!

Your assessment that this behavior is not due to meanness is really helpful, you make it clear that this is not a bullying issue.

My first question for you is the same one I ask about sibling bickering: is it bothering the kids themselves? Or only the adults?

Siblings are really excellent at giving constant, honest feedback. “Are you wearing that?” “You sound like a donkey when you laugh and you spit, too!” “Why do you invite that kid over and then ignore them at school?” “I’m not playing that with you, you cheat!” A great deal of this feedback is hard to hear (especially for parents) but very useful for kids.

If your kids are dishing out and receiving in about the same proportion, and it’s not bugging them?

Ask your kids to stop nagging and criticizing around other people.

If you’re concerned that the behavior is damaging in some way, to one or more of your kids then do a “feedback assessment.” Does their conversation involve:

• Starting with an excuse for disrespect? Like “no offense, but” or “I’m just being honest.”
• Insults?
• Ugly comparisons?
• Scorn?
• Too much repetition?

Put your finger on what bugs you about it.

Explain to your kids that feedback is useful, criticism is not. The difference is easy. We give feedback to help someone improve something because we care about their success. We give criticism because we want the satisfaction of proving how much more we know.

Then challenge your kids to give great feedback this way:

1. Say it in your head first. Is it something that would hurt your feelings or would you be able to actually hear it and make a change? Use a tone of voice that you’d like someone else to use on you. Also, this helps to choose words carefully, and is a GREAT life skill.
2. Start or end with a genuine compliment.

I should mention, that we can’t ask our kids to stop criticizing unless we’re willing to do the same.

This will sound to your kids like a lot of work, and it is! Anyone can criticize. Giving feedback is not for wimps.

Overall, we’re teaching our kids to respect each other. If they aren’t willing to do this work, that is OK. Then they’re just make the choice to keep their opinion to themselves.

It is nerve-wracking to talk to teenagers about parties. But this conversation – really series of conversations – has to happen. Whether it is your child’s first party or your teen is a frequent party-goer, Doctor G has 4 tips for getting your message across in a respectful but effective way. In this season of graduation parties, it is more important than ever.